Luke and I had an interesting summer. And when I say interesting, I mean nothing went as planned. Nothing. We “made lots of memories” as people say now days, but when I look back at the photos on my phone, I don’t giggle and think “Aww, what a fun summer!” The pictures—and my memories—from this summer are still a little sensitive, tender, and raw. But I keep reminding myself: this is life. It’s the chapters of your life that suck the life out of you that are where you learn the most.
On June 27, while on a playdate with his best buddies, Luke fell off of his friend’s little John Deere gator and hit his head on the concrete driveway. He immediately cried, of course, but he seemed OK. I knew he might have a concussion, so I asked “What’s 2 + 2?” and “What’s 5 + 5?” and my little soon-to-be Kindergartner gave me the answers I wanted to hear. I knew his brain was working fine.
But later I learned that he fractured his skull. And behind that ugly, jagged fracture was an important vein – and it looked like it had a clot.
We spent 5 days in the hospital while his trauma team (2 words a mom never wants to speak) tried to determine if what they saw on the scans was a clot or simply a shadow from the fracture. And during those 5 days, I learned 2 hard truths.
1. It’s not easy to be still
While we were in the hospital, for some reason the verse “Be still, and know that I am God,” (Psalms 46:10) ran through my mind. It’s incredibly hard to be still when you’re waiting to get some good news from doctors. I think it would have been easier to walk on water. Those men and women clad in white coats hold such power!
I was praying for big miracles (I dream big.) I wanted Luke’s head to be completely healed, and I wanted it now. (I don’t ask for much, do I?) The skull fracture was something I wasn’t prepared for. It was a situation I couldn’t control, and a problem I couldn’t do anything to fix. All I could do was be still…and pray. And that’s when I realized…
2. I’m such a liar
I learned the Lord’s Prayer long, long ago. The fourth line of that prayer is, “Thy will be done.” I’ve said that line thousands of times. (And sung it too…it’s a powerful song by Hillary Scott.) During some of the quiet moments at the hospital, the gravity of that line hit me, and I realized that when I prayed that line, I never really meant it.
God’s will isn’t mine.
I like things done my way. I like happy endings. Those troublesome moments of life where you must grow, stretch, and mature? Yeah, I don’t like ’em. They’re never in my plans. But sometimes they’re in God’s.
My family went through tragedy 35 years ago. (You read my book, right? 😊) I felt like we had paid our dues. I felt like we should get a pass on this one. I wanted my Get Out Of Jail Free card. So I was praying hard during our hospital stay, and trying to barter with God. You know how that works right? “Hey God, if you do this, I’ll do this.” Those negotiations always ended as you might have guessed, with no change in Luke’s condition.
But towards the end of those 5 days in the hospital, something in me changed. I have no idea what, but I actually started to pray that God’s will would actually be done…and that He’d give me the strength to deal with it, no matter what the outcome was.
I guess there’s something to being still, after all.
Now on to Kindergarten
On Luke’s 5th day in the hospital, he had another MRI. We were praying for good news so we could go home. We didn’t get the good news I was hoping for: the doctors still couldn’t tell if what they saw on the latest scan was a clot or not. The neurologist wanted Luke to stay in the hospital, but the nurse practitioner on Luke’s trauma team (those 2 words again!) talked the neurologist into letting us go home. So on July 2, I brought Luke home with the instructions that he must stay well-hydrated and he must not run or jump. (We really tried on that last part, but um, he’s a 5-year-old boy!)
We went back to the hospital on July 5 and Luke had another CT scan. At this point, we finally got some good news. Luke did have a blood clot – but it was smaller now, and it looked like the blood was moving faster. So things were moving in the right direction!
On July 26, Luke had another MRI. Luke’s neurologist said his vein had reconstituted (my new favorite word) itself, so we no longer need to see her. (Dr. Yang, you’re awesome, but I never want to see you again! No offense, of course.) She said Luke can go to Kindergarten as planned, but he won’t be able to participate in recess or gym class until the end of September.
So Kindergarten, here comes Luke!
And I’m sure on his first Show-And-Tell day, Luke will tell everyone all about how he fell and cracked his head open.
(Photo credit: Expressions by Ashton Photography)